Top Tips for Bedtime - For Your Child and You

It has taken a while for me to find a groove as a single mother, with a bedtime routine that 'works' for us. I would like to share ideas and stories of how it is for us, which may in turn help you.

- Create An Evening Routine.
Children feel safe with routine and it also creates almost a family ritual, in which the child feels they 'belong' to something. This can have long lasting effects, well into adolensence and beyond. As a single mother, it has taken me a while to find a routine that works for us. I have a need to get the dishes done so I can be totally present with Adaya, otherwise my mind is still on what is 'to do' before I can relax. However, breaking the connection, by doing the dishes was creating some challenges for a while. Special Time is embraced as a priority before I start the night time routine:

I aim to have all dishes done (kitchen clean) by 4.30ish so I can then get dinner cooking. More Special Time for 5 mins or more, depending on what allows for, depending on what we are having for dinner and how much attention it needs for cooking/preparing. I also aim to get all the dishes done that can possibly get done, whilst it is cooking, so that after dinner, it is only what we immediately used.

Once dinner is finished, I quickly do the small amount of dishes that is left. The kitchen is clean and finished for the night! Bath time is next.

- Bath Time
For a while there, I was using bath time as a time to get the washing folded or otherwise. After having some realisations around bath time from my own childhood, I now use bath time as 'Special Time'. It is a great way for me to connect with Adaya and really build that connection back up if had started to dwindle whilst I was finishing the dishes from dinner. If I am feeling like I need to fill my cup, I sometimes have a bath with Adaya and even though it is not totally on my own filling my own cup, it still is definitely a way to work to fill my cup too. I light candles, turn off the lights, add some lavender and sea salt and we bath together. As well as filling my cup up, it is a very strong way to build connection between us.  The skin on skin is very bonding, just like when they are a newborn. When I haven't bathed with her for a while (it goes in cycles of me feeling like bathing with her), she even asks me to hop in with her. If I choose not to bath with her, whilst I shower, I aim to keep up connection.

- Keeping Connection Alive
After Adaya has had a bath, we put on her PJ's and I brush her teeth. There was a while when she was brushing her teeth herself, and it really wasn't meeting my needs for efficiency in cleaning properly. One night I decided that I was going to brush her teeth, and that I was comfortable with her brushing them herself in the morning. It became a Broken Cookie. She began crying and not wanting me to brush her teeth. I sat with her crying about how much she wanted to do it herself. I empathized with her and let her know that she can do it in the mornings and Mum will brush them at night.  After about 10 minutes of solid crying, she stopped and said, "Mum teeth, Adaya tomorrow". Every night now, she says after bath time, "Mum teeth, Adaya tomorow." We brush her hair, clean her ears, then put on her choice of cds on the cd player in the bedroom. Either from nursery rhymes, to mozart, to yoga chants. Whatever she puts on, I stay connected with her, by singing whilst I have a shower. I can see her from the shower, and so we stay connected through song and dance. Once I'm out and ready, I feel like I can totally relax, all the chores for night time are done, even getting myself ready for bed. I then have a few options available to me. I can go to sleep with her, if I am too tired or I can lay with her until she is asleep and get up and do what I want to do.

What is 'filling up my cup'? Click here for more information >> >> >>

- Going To Sleep
Getting our children to sleep, for some, can be challenging. For myself as a single mother, I am now very much enjoying our routine, to then have time to myself once she is asleep. If I am too tired, I go to sleep with her and trust my body to wake me up in the morning (if we don't have to be anywhere). When I do this, I usually wake up around 5.30am and have time before she wakes.

Once we are ready for bed, I let her choose what we do. Read some books, 'Special Time' or listen to more music, for which then we sing and dance and laugh together. Many parents have asked when I have told stories about laughing before bed, 'But isn't it wind down time? Isn't it supposed to be quiet time?'. I remember myself being told off as a child when we would laugh and call to each other (siblings and cousins) through different rooms once the light was out. Laughter releases fear, so when children are allowed to laugh (not laughter through forced tickling see more here on tickling >> >> >>), it helps them release fear that may have accumulated throughout the day. If you are setting aside time for crying (in arms/presence) at night time, and it just doesn't seem to be happening, try for laughter and games instead.

I usually let Adaya take the lead. If she requests Special Time when we are ready for bed, I will set the timer for say 10mins. Once it has finished, this can be, and has been the Broken Cookie needed for crying time. Once she has got it all out, she falls asleep soundly without being restless. It can also occur when we are doing music or just setting the loving limit, that it is now time for bed, can also become the Broken Cookie.

When laying down with her to sleep, it is not always the case that she falls asleep and I can relax and have me time or that she will cry - depending on my feelings and where I am at too! I have learnt to take this time when she is falling asleep, to do two things:

1) Use it as meditation time. I focus on my breathing and feel into my body. I feel the sensation of the back of my body, my head, my hair, my legs all resting on the bed. I feel into every single part of my body then my whole body. I keep focus on the inhale and the exhale. I then feel into any tension into my body. And sometimes, depending on how I am feeling and how Adaya is falling asleep (or not!) can lead into a process of talking through and processing my feelings as tension in my body.

2) The second thing I do, is to pour love over her. I stroke her hair, kiss her cheek and lay there thinking how beautiful she is, how much I love her, how grateful to her I am for how much she has brought into my life. I pour my love over her. This puts me in a really good mood! I thank God for this opportunity to have this beautiful little family, and basically start a gratitude process. I enjoy knowledge of Water and it's healing properties and how this outpouring of love over her whilst she is falling asleep and what that is doing for her. I also take this time to talk to her (when she has fallen asleep) about any ill feelings I have about not connecting with her during the day and of how busy I may have been. I make a pact to do different tomorrow - and follow through with that!

When Adaya has plenty of connection time throughout the day, using tools such as Special Time, I find the night time routine flows much easier and connection happens quite naturally. If it has been a very busy day and no time for Special Time, the night time routine becomes even more important to create safety for feelings. I have found too, that when there hasn't been time for specific Special Time, that laughter and games are great tools that flow much easier and help me to chill out and release the days events too!

For some ideas for fun, games and laughter, I love Marion's guest article, by Chiara Rossetti - Fun Mum >> >> >>

- Massages
Another tip I want to share is massages. Massage's are a great way to relax, as you probably know. It is also a great tool for bonding and is greatly shared for when your child is a newborn baby. It helps for them to become aware of their physical body and to get them into their body, from a metaphysical viewpoint. If you are having big challenges with your child going to sleep, offer them a  foot massage. Use a scented oil, lavender works best, and trust your intution about the best way to massage. If they refuse, then give one to yourself and they will soon want it too.

Another idea is to give yourself and your child a foot bath. Grab a bucket of warm water, add some sea salt if you have it and a drop or two of lavender oil. Give yourself a foot massage and your child at the same time if the bucket is big enough. Create it as a weekly ritual one night a week. Using rose oil can help to open your heart and tap in to real feminine energy. Massages, especially on our feet, ground us in our body. If we are not in our body, we cannot go to sleep, the same is true for our children. This is a real grounding technique that can be used any time of day!

The most important thing for routines, is to trust your intuition. If one night, you feel like breaking routine and doing something different - listen to that. The universal energies that are coming through now, that really have always been there, we are now just becoming more sensitive to them, are teaching us to live in the moment. If one night you feel like having dinner on the beach watching the moon rise, allowing yourself to awaken your senses to twilight, I highly recommend listening to that! We can get angry going against the flow, and who knows, you may just find a new routine, or something to add to your routine!

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Positive Top Tip:
Instead of saying - "They do it to get attention."
Try saying - "They do it to get connection."

Many children 'misbehave' because they are in need of connection with a parent/caregiver to help them release pent up feelings. Try changing your language with attention to connection - see how different each one feels as you say it. See which one feels lighter. Help to raise your feelings to more positive therefore changing the scenario.

To read more on 'Misbehaviour', highly recommend Althea Solter's article >> >> >>

5 Minute or More Connections Have Lasting Effects:
If I am working on the computer or doing the dishes and Adaya comes up to me to want connection - lately it has been for me to chase her - if I stop what I am doing and chase her a couple of times up and down the hallway, creating lots of laughter and fun, this couple of minutes that I invest into 'what is flowing' keeps the connection alive whilst I am doing the dishes until after I have finished, rather than breaking connection. If I don't feel like chasing after her (too tired or whatever), in these moments, I force myself to - from experience it has lifted my mood and given me more energy from connecting and 'being silly' to create laughter before bed time. When I have chased her a couple of times I let her know I need to finish the dishes now and we can do more chasing when I finish. She will either be content with this, (most of the time), otherwise it will become a broken cookie scenario.

What is 'Special Time'?
Special Time is a technique embraced and taught by Hand in Hand Parenting. It is a way to build deep trust and connection with your child/ren. Hand in Hand Parenting have a set of booklets available that are easy to read, to the point and give tools that you can implement straight away with your child. You can purchase download the booklets through their website here, or if you prefer to purchase a hard copy of the booklets, contact us or come along to our Playgroup/Mum's Meet. Special Time has met so many emotional needs for myself and Adaya and I am truly grateful to have this priceless information in our lives!

What is Broken Cookie?
The Broken Cookie Phenonmenon is a term coined by Aletha Solter, the founder of Aware Parenting. She goes into detail about it in her books. To read an article by Althea on Broken Cookies click here >> >>
Aletha has written four books, which I highly recommend reading, if you are or are willing to embrace Aware Parenting. To view her books,  click here >> >> >>