I've been trying to figure out what the cloud is over my heart... ❤️
I've still been trying to figure it out amongst all this change, that there is still this sense of sadness in my heart, that I have been pondering, wondering and trying to dig a bit deeper into what it is that is going on here.
I am at a place where things are getting easier and easier, I have walked through the hard part of building my business online, creating courses and coming to a place of ease of flow. I've learnt the tech systems, I know how to use them to share my heart and soul, to share my message to shift you, awaken you and guide you through your hardest storms.
Yet. What is this sense that sits in/over my heart?
Ever since 2005, when I was 'spiritually awakened' - I had this aliveness for life, I took myself off drugs with my spiritual path and yet every one around me (at the time) laughed at me, tore me down and called me crazy.
I've ALWAYS had a BIG BIG vision, bigger than most even allow themselves to let enter into their mind. I've always been different.
I always say that we only shown the next step in our Life Purpose and until we take that step, we don't see the next one. How true that is.
If they had shown me what would happen as I kept moving forward creating the life of my dreams - I am not sure I would've done it 🤔wait, maybe I still would've!
I know that everything I have walked through has made me the person I am now, yes, yes, I know this.
However, that sadness in my heart that I am currently walking through? Moving through? What I have realised is, is that this past 3-4 years, longer even, of me building my dreams, whilst single mumming with no family around, at the same time has been super hard. And yet, I have 'had no choice' but to keep going. Yes, yes, there are always choices that we make, of course. Yet, I chose to keep going here. I get that.
Yet, I didn't realise that layer upon layer has etched a little piece of my heart and soul perhaps, that I am currently working on reclaiming and releasing the resentment that I didn't realise has and had built up, especially in this past almost 2 years that it all began to become super clear. And I think that, that is what has hurt the most. That this past 2 years, the further I have gone in creating the life of my dreams, the more and more the reality of what certain people... and my family really think of me.
Which, yes, yes - I get it - brush it off, like a fly Hannah, don't worry about what they think. Yes. I know this. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
And boy have I cried over these past 3-4 years. Blood. Sweat. Tears right?
I remember when I made the most amount of money in my business ever, it was the very first month that I had made the most since building these online systems - and it was the month that my family destroyed me with how they really thought about me. I couldn't really believe it. I was shocked, disheartened and just in utter disbelief. That for so long, the people closest to you, want you to get a job, go to uni, get a house, get married - but if you don't do those things, well you're not good enough.
Talk about walking through FIRE 🔥
Of course. I kept going. And every year since, my business has been increasing in revenue. That month, was a breakthrough month. It was such a DEEP celebration, and (btw, they didn't know that I had, just had my biggest month ever), yet I tried to come home for Christmas and all I got was backlash.
Ever since then, it has been one thing after the next. It became evident, that every time I contacted them I was met with backlash. So I left it, longer and longer times apart from contacting them. Of course, I wouldn't hear from them, if I didn't contact them, let alone what happened when I did. But of course, it was always my fault. And it broke my heart. And so I walked further away. Meaning, I just let it all go. I just... chose not to because it was more hurtful to.
Yep. And this post will probably cause another upheaval. Yet, it is my not sharing of ALL of my heart that has made my heart feel sooo heavy with pain that I have been digging into and digging into that WHAT is this deep heaviness within my heart? I have everything I need, a thriving online business that is growing every day, every year and yet, what is this? And with the digging... this is what has surfaced.
I have been holding it in. Scared of sharing anything again. Scared of sharing ME. ALL OF ME. Because, of all these years I have been? The last 2 years saw me see what they really thought of me! And it broke my heart! 💔Even my ex, only months ago, telling me I am crazy and need to be admitted to a psyche ward, when only two weeks prior he was saying how much he loved me 💔
I guess there has just been a lot. And today is the day, that I release all the pain and un-forgiveness from my heart. I am not willing to hold this anymore. It has been weighing me down and I have been scared to be me again. A new cycle begins for me tomorrow and I am not carrying this into my new cycle.
Yet, I am willing to raise that fire from within me. To be courageous and speak my heart and soul again. Because, not, has been draining and depleting me. My heart wants to speak! Just like I used. About EVERY topic. Just like I used to.
Because I held back speaking my heart, because of everyone's comments over these past 2 years especially, I have been feeling more weighed down and more weighed down.
That I am even scared to post this now. Yet, I can't hold back my heart anymore.
I have stopped writing like I used to. I have stopped sharing my whole heart like I used to.
Because it seems that I talk about hard and taboo subjects, because I speak from my HEART in FEELINGS and SOMEONE always has something to whiplash me about it. I guess talking in FEELINGS triggers people, because we are so accustomed to speaking and hearing from the head.
Whether it is a mentor telling me I shouldn't write this way or that I shouldn't be in that relationship.
Whether it is a family member (btw it is only 98% of my family, not all of them), saying I shouldn't being doing this.
Whether it is an ex that destroys me because I shared my heart online. With my writing with my words.
I didn't realise that all these little knocks, well, they've actually been huge knocks, even though I deal with them at the time, even though I receive mentoring and counselling at the time, for some reason, they have all just piled up. Little chips out of my heart and soul.
I keep pulling the 'write' card. And I have been DEEPLY resisting. I am not willing to resist anymore. I am not willing to hold back anymore. I am willing to share my heart and soul, just like I always have and always will do.
I know this part, has just been a phase to walk through.
At least I don't cop the 'Go get a normal job' anymore.
At least I don't cop the 'Stop doing that Psychic shit' anymore.
Maybe that is because I hit my $100k in 7 months mark in building this business.
Maybe it is because there has been $14k-$20k months ever since.
Maybe it is because I haven't given up on my dream.
Maybe it is because I have stopped contacting and hanging around the people who don't believe in me and put me down or laugh at me because of my gift.
Maybe it is because I have tightened my circle.
Maybe it is because if you show me your true colours, I choose not to see them again in my life.
Maybe it is because I am choosing to only surround myself with people who believe in me and are also creating the life of their dreams.
With deep darkness, there is bright light. There is not one without the other.
I am grateful to realise what this cloud hanging over my heart has been.
About 5 months ago, I came to a deep stillness, that saw me sitting on my bed with the afternoon sun streaming through my window. There was a sense of peace, it was empty and alone - but it wasn't those feelings. It was... space. And Peace. And... the first 'taste' that what I have been pushing and creating, creating and learning and building - the momentum, has taken itself now. That there was such a space, that I realised there is no one else here, because I have chosen to walk away from so many people who didn't align to my vision anymore. It is 'quiet'. And there is no one. And I am 100% okay with that. That 'space' allows for only the truly aligned to be here now.
There has also been this non-stop, learning new systems, learning how to run a company, have staff, put myself on the pay role, support clients and be there for myself and my daughter that if there is anyone that pulls me down anymore, I don't even give them the chance to shift anymore. I used to. I used to hold space for many people that were pulling me down. I have plenty of free resources on my website that can shift people IF THEY CHOOSE. Most don't. And that's okay.
Yet, I won't engage in anyone anymore who will pull me down in anyway. Set strong boundaries yes. Walk away yes. Work on releasing the resentment and un-forgiveness and hurt from my own heart about it yes.
I guess this 'space' that I have now in my business and life - that I can deeply allow myself to go with my own flow, pick and choose when I want to work and who I work with and how, that this space, this has given space for this to rise, because it is no longer in alignment with the vibration I have been working to move into becoming the person I always dreamed of.
That is all it is.
To write, to voice, to speak, to share the depth of who I am.
It is who I am. It is how I write. It is me. I won't hide me anymore. I've walked through the hardest fire. 🔥
And thank goodness. Now I can continue my focus on serving, talking about taboo hard topics, talking about the stuff no one wants to talk about. Talking about what I have lived through so I can serve you at my highest.
I am free to be me now and I release all un-forgiveness from my heart so I can connect to the true source within me.
So that I can continue to rise and align to who I truly am and moving towards and I am grateful for this... the end of a cycle and a new one, begins tomorrow. Grateful for this release and the re-opening of my true heart speak, from now and continuing into eternity forever more.
My passion, my joy has ALWAYS been about teaching and awakening people to trust their intuition, to connect to source, to know that EVERYONE has the gift, it just depends if they use it!
Because in this connection?
When people connect to themselves and trust it?
THAT is the GOLD that is already changing the world 🕊🌏❤️
"The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do." - Steve Jobs
The Life Purpose Queen 👑
P.S. Are you ready to take your message to greater impact in the world? I would not be able to reach you with out the online technology that you see me show up and provide my heart and soul service to you everyday on.
Without Colleen, I would not be where I am today, sharing my message, creating to my heart's content AND earning an income to support myself and my daughter, to give us the foundational building blocks of being able to live the lifestyle I have always dreamed of living.
I feel honoured to share the tools that change my life - I only teach what has shifted me and this - is definitely one of them! Colleen has begun her free 4 day intro - have you seen the first episode? Click here, there is still time to join us for this chance to change your life and truly live, the life you want, rather than what someone has told you to live: https://hannahreality.krtra.com/t/lQVj3cqmYoYf