I had stopped trusting myself... and I didn't even know.
Right now, layers upon layers, upon layers are releasing from me.
And amongst that.. I didn't even know I had stopped trusting myself.
I had been looking out there to this person and this person and this person for confirmation of what I was doing, for... something... and I didn't even realise I had.
I didn't realise I had shut myself down.
Today... layers upon layers upon layers have been releasing.
It is making me wonder whether it is this 12 month commitment to the liver/gall bladder cleanse I have just committed to, or whether I have just entered into another 18mth cycle, where I am grieving... all that has covered me up... all that.. I LET cover me up.
When I began online four years ago I was SOOOOOO excited and enthusiastic. I had FINALLY found my avenue, my outlet, the way I can FINALLY reach more than 10 people in a yoga class/chakra workshop and FUCKING CHANGE THE WORLD!!!!!...
No filter required, because the clarity I feel with my new life is exactly this - clear and beautiful.
However, I found myself bawling my eyes out in deep, deep grief last night for over an hour.
It was deep, deep grief, and it surprised me what it dropped into.
My old house and what I went through being in that home for 8 years.
What I learnt and grew through.
The biggest piece being my ex of 5 years and what... I went through with that. What I grew through and the person it has made me today, because of it.
But not a grief of missing it.
Rather, the stored and buried resentment that I had tucked away deep inside my gall-bladder.
Tears poured, out of no where as I climbed into bed. I found myself 'at my old house' in the lounge room on my knees, bawling my eyes out.
I found myself, hovering/flying above my house/suburb, feeling trapped in the black sludge that I felt energetically in that suburb, that I repeatedly cleared for so...
FOLLOW WHAT BRINGS YOUR HEART ALIVE!!!
DO that, and ONLY that! Easier said than done right?
My Heart hasn't been happy since being back here on the coast - except for getting my hair done again and going to yoga! #citylifeperks
People have been sharing how happy I look in these photos - YES! Because I took them when I was out West - where my Heart and Soul were HAPPY!!
FOLLOW WHAT BRINGS YOU ALIVE!!!
Well, that is what I used to feel too... I KNEW what I wanted, but couldn't break free of those chains that... were already unlocked, but I didn't know how to break free of the energetic patterns that were the chains still binding me to bringing my past to my future.
And it wasn't all about 'only breaking those chains' - definitely not in the past, as I was working to create a freedom lifestyle that enabled me to break those chains, yet, once I had 'made it' - actually breaking free? Well, you know my recent road trip story!
Since being back, I finally...
SACRIFICE, DEDICATION, COMMITMENT = PURPOSE - that's what dreams are made of. Anyone who tells me otherwise is lying!
Maybe - the word Purpose needs to be substituted for the word Dreams. I like calling them dreams. Labels are good for understanding consciousness... then the next stage in the evolution of your consciousness is releasing the labels... and then life really begins
I realised this morning.... how long I actually hold on to things.
Not things as such... but the hurts - that someone says to me, or makes a passing comment to me and I don't voice it in the moment (used to not voice it in the moment!) but hold onto the hurt... and it shuts me down.
Or like a sensitive feather of my Soul, is cut at the quill.
This past 6-9 months has been a journey into 'why' have I shut myself down so much? Why did I stop sharing my Heart?
You may have noticed in my few recent blogs, I am opening up more and more again... sharing more of me.
I took this photo before I left, when clarity reigned and I felt deeply at peace about what needs to be done and get back home to do it. Yet, the reality of being back here has hit me hard.
I didn't want to come back. And it was quite phenomenal when I had made the decision to leave - not even packed up - this was 3 days prior to leaving - our parrot, Alex, who, had not been in his carry crate since we arrived, yet it was always open on his table (as he has a portable perch and is just 'out' all the time) - I made the decision to leave and... I walked inside and he had climbed into his carry crate. So amazing how much animals feel. I hadn't even voiced it to anyone yet at that time!
It was... pretty special, travelling with our animals - that... if it wasn't for the storms, some animals would've been baby sat/in the kennels, that.. this trip showed me how we can ALL go and that.. was pretty special.
This trip, showed me so much. Clarity is definitely one of them!
I can feel it about to drop in - not consciously aware of what just yet - but it is definitely there. This moving to the next level of expansion - has been... huge to say the least - but hey - isn't expansion huge? It's getting bigger? So... this is normal right?
I can feel this entire trip has been about a shake up in not just routine - but breaking out of all addictions, and the final threads of the co-dependence that I chose to consciously work on back in 2018. Of course, that will always be a work in progress - but it was the end of 2017 when I consciously decided and made a choice to consciously work on it.
Having been a single mum by choice for the last 11 years, and then 'having' to go back to the hospital I was born at the other day (which my toe is fine and began healing as soon as that piece of mulga was out!) has been the biggest recalibration I have ever received.
I have been back to my home town many, many times before in my life, yet this...
I've been in and out of okay.. but fuck today was INTENSE!
THIS IS THE SOFTENING INTO RECEIVING MY DESIRES - but OMG what is flowing through me is.... somewhat... INTENSE!
I realised yesterday what I was doing out here... I realised why I was brought out here 'unexpectedly'.
This is my birth place, the place my Soul chose to incarnate for this lifetime.
I realised this not too long ago - well, of course I always knew it right, but it was more.... deeper realisation or something.
And my affinity for United Arab Emirates and the Middle East? Oh the Red Dirt looks EXTREMELY close in relation to me! THAT only dawned on me not long ago and that is what got me to asking why I incarnated here... and what my connection is to the Middle East before this current lifetime.
Yesterday I had a dawning realisation that almost made me... freak.. for a moment. But underneath - it all makes total sense.
For the past 4 or so years I have been deeply questioning, where is...
I'VE BEEN IN A HOLDING PATTERN AND DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
Maybe, that is what this trip has been about.
Because it certainly wasn't about the storms! Yet, that is the thing that got me out of there - so it was time, to move outta there - and FAST.
And it sure did happen.
And I think from that, I am still adjusting. Well, I feel that it wasn't until two days later I actually energetically arrived after driving 2000kms unexpectedly, well, 1603 to precise.
It's been an adjustment, in a sense in that I am someone who likes to energetically be prepared for something like this road trip. And whilst I was - intuitively, and could pack up and leave within 3 days with 'no warning whatsoever' - is a pretty big feat if I do say so myself.
I am sure the sun is shining back where we've lived for 8 years and of course, I have gone through the full range of emotions, including bawling my eyes out as soon as our car pulled up in a place I knew we would be staying for longer...