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I was HALTED by the Universe. In a BIG BIG way. 

This past 2 weeks has been the hardest of my entire life.

There are sooo many people around me that have lost hope in me, lost faith... given up on me... 'It has taken too long, you're always saying this.' 

Some of you will turn around and say I haven't Hannah and I know you haven't... but the ones closest to me have and it has crushed me further down in the hardest place I have ever been.

All that has been on my mind that dropped in as I was doing the dishes tonight, is the movie 'Joy' that I watched in June 2016 when I first began online as I sat in my Auckland Hotel apartment for the weekend on the first flight over with my daughter for her to see her father, that she then began visiting him frequently on her own (another country), that was the start of sooo many beginnings for me and it hasn't been easy. 

And yet... when I look back, it has actually been the last 2 months not, just the last two weeks... 

And...

When I first began online, all I wanted to do was help people be happy. 

I took courses to teach me how to figure it out and when they said you have to focus on one thing and niche down and only do this one core thing I hit a wall. 

What do you mean, ONE thing?? 

All I wanted to do was help people be happy and trying to pull that apart - was... it made me stuck for MONTHS until I wrote from my heart and that was the day my business took off and changed the game for me. 

Since then, I have continued to do what my heart wants - not what the logical structure of 'business' is supposed to look like. 

Some may say that has been at my detriment... maybe...

I saw this post the other week and it unravelled EVERYTHING for me: 

"When people say, 'I just want to be happy', they forget this simple truth: You can be in a toxic relationship or else you can be happy. But you can't do both. When you are in a toxic relationship, you try to live your best life...

I get so agitated when I hear people saying 'they're just stuck in victim consciousness' ffs people really?!

What they're really saying is that:

• their emotions are invalid
• that they shouldn't be feeling the way they are feeling
• they should stop with these 'crocodile tears' - when they are simply upset
• they shouldn't open their mouth about their hard life they've lived through
• that all the trauma that they have lived through and some how survived, are still carrying and don't know how to heal from it is just 'playing the victim' 
• that you are judging where that person is at - regardless whether you think they are doing the level of work YOU think they need to be doing to shift their life or not 

What is ACTUALLY going on here when I hear people calling others a 'victim' is that: 

• they simply don't know how to handle huge, deep, usually very dark, and very traumatic feelings
• it hits up against their own unfelt tears that are buried deep inside and...

I didn't come here to fit in...

I didn't come here to be liked... or loved... 

But.. somewhere along the lines... I got lost in the midst of taking everyone's words as gospel.... listening to them over myself...

I got lost in trying to understand how something I said so naturally so... doesn't everybody think this way? To... wondering why they spoke to me like that and I must be wrong for them to have said that to me, which was never a conscious thought... more... a feeling that washed over me like the wave to the ocean, lost in the ethers... being taken out with the tide with not even realising how far into the depths I had been sucked out in the current, away from land, away from the ocean shore, away from the solid shore of who I know myself to be... knew myself to be. 

Somewhere along the way I lost my footing, not knowing which way to turn and looking to everyone else for some kind of help... some kind of direction. 

Being on my own since I was 18.. always...

I am not from the stars... I AM THE STARS 

I am the ethers from the sea in which you pine for...

I am the ocean of the calling from the birth in which you arrived for... 

I am the increased frequent heart beat of the one you wish for...

I am the divine sensuality you long for... 

We have begun our first day in Activate Your Archangel Frequency... and I have been guided to share my first day with you, which I am nervous to share here!

But here we go, this is my share, from posting in our Activate Your Archangel Frequency group: 

"Lots of Red and Blue came through all my meditations this morning...

Soo interesting what Archangel Michael (Day #1) shared with me... the big solid man that I have felt with me for quite some time energetically in spirit, going back to when I was 6yrs old in my bedroom and he scared me and is when I know I shut down my gift because of it.... messages came though - (came through Shadow Meditation before AA Michael and then it continued)...

Something has massively shifted... when I love on myself, even when I don't look my what I feel is my best, I know I have changed. Raw. Real. Vulnerable. Radical. Unconditional Love. 

When I can support myself in ways that nurture me, instead of beat up on me when I have had a massive week with very little sleep, releasing paradigms and relationship entanglements that have been deeply embedded more than I realised and has been slowly eating away at me, way more than I realised was even present and was the issue all along.... when I can love myself in this space, no matter what I look like, I know I have changed.  

Sometimes I look worse for wear, but I can still love on myself - but this wasn't always the case! 

Sometimes I eat super healthy, sometimes I eat what I can when I am busy. Being out of town now, makes easier for eating healthy that is for sure. 

The biggest change I have noticed in myself is that since going back to the gym 3 x a week - I...

I've been in denial... 

I hit a wall on Saturday. I just couldn't. I stopped. I cried and I was internally angry and I didn't even realise how much by. It was seething. And I began pointing fingers in my mind, in my energy in my... internal anger. 

And then I caught myself. Oh... hang on Hannah - this three finger thing... um. Back at me. 

What am I angry about in myself? 

What am I pissed off about? 

I've been in denial... I was in denial about the fact that my business and my life has changed SO much in two weeks! 

Since I HELD THAT BOUNDARY two weeks ago and won't work myself or should I say burn myself out in people pleaser mode anymore! EVEN though I have been challenged in holding that boundary in every single way possible! 

However - I have CHOSEN to hold it, not cave, and to continue to value my time, my energy and what I give of transformational service to others. It is THIS that has shifted me, elevated me - but it didn't come without...