The Most Common Question I Get Asked - How Do I Let It Go?

healing grief how to let go of a relationship Aug 16, 2018

The most common question I get asked is how do I let it go? How do I let that issue go and let it not interfere in my present? And the other question I get asked is how do I let go of my past relationship? And I'm going to answer them both here, because they both have the same answer. In fact, what I am about to share, relates to letting go of anything from your past. Hurt, pain, the loss of a loved one - anything.

How I speak to this right now, will be relating to being able to let your past go so it doesn't interfere with your present.

I've spoken a lot recently about choices. Make a choice to let it go. Making a decision to not feel that way. Yet a huge reality for most people and what I struggled with for many years, is being able to let stuff go.

I would get hurt. Someone would say something or do something and I would hold onto it for MONTHS. Years even. And I did. And it almost killed me. Literally.

Making a choice to let it go is yes the first step. And you can do that. But you can still feel it sitting there and playing on your mind and helping you make choices right now yes?

And then, yet, when you are hurt, it's hard not to let it go right? "My oath it is because they hurt me and I won't let ANYONE ever do that to me again."

And by right you shouldn't. And I'm deeply celebrating with you your utmost clarity about what you will and won't tolerate in your life. THIS is important. So YAY for this!!!

Yet when something turns up in your reality and you see the past starting to be in your present it can be scary, you can be seeing stuff possibly going like it was. And that you know you won't tolerate what you've been through before. You definitely ain't going to let patterns repeat.

But how do you stop it from coming up?

How do you let the past go?

How do you let it go when you know it is your past coming up and being reflected in the moment?

First step is to understand being triggered.

Being triggered is when someone says or does something that:

~ brings up feelings for you

~ that you have a reaction to

~ that makes you angry, sad, frustrated or other emotions

~ that makes you revert to old patterns like wanting to leave the relationship or situation because it's too hard and think about the possibilities... you know, the grass is always greener scenario.

When you are triggered, what is actually happening is a couple of things:

~ you've stepped out of the present moment

~ you've disconnected from your heart space (heart space is present moment/feeling/feeling consciously)

~ your mind has deeply engaged (mind is ego/memories/analyzing)

Basically, someone has said something, it has made you feel a certain way - then your mind is crazily, busily and very fast, finds the similar feeling memory in your mind that you are now feeling that reminds you of something in your past. And so the story/memory comes into your conscious awareness and THIS is what you see your present as...

Say you are happily going along and someone says something to you and immediately you are like oh oh. Woah. Hold up here. And your entire feeling changes instantly. You may get defensive or uptight, or try and turn the situation around on the other person. Yes, blame them, take all the focus off you and back onto them and what they've said and how they've hurt you for what they said to you.

The reason that naturally happens is because you are now feeling pain (usually from something that reminds you of your past) and you simply don't want to feel it.

And fair enough - who would want to feel the pain of their past! Been there done that don't want to feel that again right? Yep. I get it. 100%.

It's like a defence mechanism an so

1. You don't get hurt again and

2. It's activated the armour that you have around your Heart because you said you wouldn't let that happen to you again. But that trigger? Is showing you, you actually haven't healed/dealt with that pain, it's just showing you you've put a big protective case around it so no one can touch it again. Until someone hits it.

And whilst you may have forgotten about your past and you don't want to remember it - you know, focus on what you do want for manifesting and all that jazz - but the reality?

Is that, that feeling memory still sits in your field (body & mind), even with that big protective armour you're trying to cover it up with.

And the other reality?

Is that it will always be there to some degree.

Yes there are levels of deep healing techniques that can shift it out. And I highly recommend this.

Yes this is stuff I teach in my courses and coach people through in private mentoring. I am a spiritual healer with lifetimes of ancient wisdom that I'm very conscious of after all. This is my gift. This is my purpose in this lifetime. And I deeply own that and share that.

And the other reality is that those memories?

They are your past baby.

And those memories?

Those experiences?

Are what make you you.

Without those memories, those experiences, you wouldn't be where you are now.

You wouldn't have the clarity and understanding that you have right now.

About what's important to you.

About what is meaningful to you.

About what you will and won't tolerate in your life.

But... how do you let it go?

Here are some things to help you be aware of.

~ There are different levels of being able to hold space and deal with your own stuff whilst ALSO being able to hold space for someone else in their stuff too. I did a Youtube video on these 3 stages not long ago, you can watch that by clicking here:

~ Know what to do when you are triggered.

~ Know and CHOOSE to remember that you are triggered and that something from your past is being activated right now.

~ Know that you have 3 options 1. Listen only to the other person. 2. Process your own trigger internally whist listening. (this takes practice! See my youtube video mentioned above) 3. Taking a time out from the conversation to do your inner work on what is coming up (whilst letting them know you need a break and keeping commitment of when you come back together).

~ Know and CHOOSE that you can just let it go by staying present in your Heart Space knowing that it may be similar feelings to your past, but the reality is that right now is a clean slate and it is NOT your past. You can CHOOSE to make it about your past. Or you can CHOOSE to remember it is a clean slate and see it for that and simply choose to be present with what is. Yes that may mean sitting with some uncomfortable feelings and conversations, but ultimately? The Heart Space is powerful and the present moment can clear anything - if you don't allow your mind to attach to story.

~ If you can't do what I just mentioned above, then some deeper healing is required. Inner work ie inner family healing, shadow work, wound clearings, body & mind memory clearing techniques will help shift the bulk of it out of your energetic memory of that particular issue therefore allowing freer energy to BE with the present moment, rather than dragging in a tonne of energetic baggage to every moment. (EVERYONE has energetic baggage btw ;) ) Plus having mentoring showing you 'how' to do this 'how' to stay in your Heart muscle over your head processes. The Heart is a very powerful clearer of your past without any meditations or healing techniques if you know 'how' to do this.

~ Heart Space Present Time Feeling WHAT IS without attaching to stories - TAKE'S PRACTISE. The Heart is a MUSCLE and takes practise to get out of your head and allow your Heart to be stronger than your mind, knowing that your Heart energy can shift anything.

So next time you are triggered, remember these things. And know that it is possible to let stuff go. With commitment to working through your shit trust me - IT GET'S EASIER every time. AND that Heart muscle get's stronger and stronger and then one day you will be like oh, I just let that go - just like that.

And you will FEEL more compassion for other people.

And you will FEEL more gratitude for YOURSELF.

And you will FEEL more OPEN with LIFE.

And you will FEEL your HEART being the centre of the space of every choice you make, of every shift you make that allows you to choose LOVE over fear. Because ultimately?

When you are triggered, all that is happening, is that you are scared of something - usually from your past memory. Your mind jumps into fear. And it is your mind taking you out of this present moment of what is.

And the reality?

Is that honey, NOTHING can hurt you.

Because right now?

Is just pure Love.

And when you can make a conscious choice to remember this.

Every moment will be more about LOVE and JOY in the NOW.

Than your fears haunting you of your past.

There is no guarantee that you won't get hurt again.

But there is also no guarantee you or the people you care about will live to see tomorrow either.

And ultimately?

If you were on your death bed dying - do you wish you would've just given Love a chance?

Opened your Heart a little wider?

Trained your brain to stay in your HEART?

Continue to CHOOSE to stay in the NOW? (Which is Heart space?)

TRUSTED your own HEART a little more? (Without your brain memories of your past making the choices for you?)

The other part to be mindful of here, is knowing the Grief Cycle. Doesn't sound nice - but if you want to know how to let shit go? THIS is the #goldnugget right here.

Because you may be stuck in a part of this Grief Cycle and this is what is keeping you from letting shit go too...

The Grief Cycle has 5 stages:

  1. Denial/Shock "This can't be true, this isn't happening, I don't believe it."
  2. Anger - may be misplaced, blaming others for the situation. Reality is sinking in. (Under all anger is sadness)
  3. Bargaining - All the regrets, should've's "If only I did this, this wouldn't have happened" (this would be the part of returning/wanting to return to a relationship if it ended in shock/anger)
  4. Depression - in grief, tears, sadness and beyond grief. Depression. And also depressed you can't get on with life or be there for other people you need to be there for or work etc
  5. Acceptance - starting to move on. Doesn't mean you're necessarily happy. But you are starting to move on with your life again.

Knowing this allows you to move on. How long is supposed to take? There is no time limit. And it depends on the situation and the person.

If it is something huge, (relationship break up, moving house, death, change of career). I highly recommend receiving mentoring/counselling with someone who knows how to hold space for such. (Yes, that is me ;) I can also recommend highly sort after people too, if you need recommendations.)

Grief can take time and yep, most of society is not comfortable with it. And it can also take no time at all. And you may get through what is going on for you and then it may come up again. And instead of beating yourself up because you thought you'd already worked through it - just notice to yourself, oh, here it is again, okay, let's do this (keeping in mind this Grief Cycle process - knowing where you are at, helps you to move through it, rather than thinking something is 'wrong' with you - because NOTHING is wrong with you). Because the faster you can accept human emotions and be with what is - the faster that Heart Muscle is activated and holds compassion for all these feelings coming up - yes?

And each time you do it, it will get easier and you will get faster at it and eventually - just like that - you will let it go. Why? Because that Heart Muscle is bigger than your head one ;)

And there is no judgement on the time of your grief. Or someone else's. Telling someone to 'get over it' is the worst fucking thing you can say to someone. Where is the compassion in that?

But when you are aware of this Grief Cycle process - you can see where they are at and have compassion for them and know where they are in working through their stuff. And yourself!!

Because every 'trigger' that I have mentioned in this post will go through this Grief Cycle process.

For example something little, like someone changes plans on you at last minute.

"Oh what? God damn it." (Stage 1 Shock/Denial)

"Why couldn't they give me more notice damn it now I have to change all this stuff! Far out!" (Stage 2 Anger)

"Goodness me, I knew this was going to happen with this person. If I only remembered this and not organised it, it wouldn't have happened again." (Stage 3 Bargaining)

Moping around for a bit, feeling down that they let you down again. (Stage 4 Depression/sadness)

"Oh well, that is just them. I know who they are. Just got to get on with it I guess!" (Stage 5 Acceptance/moving on)

Knowing this grief cycle - and the trigger points I mentioned - THIS is how you let stuff go.

And that Heart muscle baby. Practise it.

Now, if you are stuck in letting go of a past relationship - you don't want anyone else, or trying to get them back, or going back to the relationship 60 zillion times and yep, still something not right (check if you're in the bargaining stage of Grief Cycle) or won't move on because you want them etc... What I want to say to you is this.

That the reason you can't move on, is I bet, that in some way shape or form, that relationship was the best you've yet had. Yes there may be shit times, but there is something in there, some thread that you are holding onto, because they were the first person to say, show you love. And then it didn't work out, but you hold onto them/that relationship because that is the most love and acceptance you have ever felt. And there is a part of you that feels/believes like you won't ever find that again.

Two things here:

  1. You need to look at that part of you that is needing that Love/acceptance (or whatever it is you are holding onto) and give it to yourself instead
  2. Remember that, I bet, that every relationship you have ever had, the most recent was better than the last and then was better than the last and so forth correct? And each time, you got something out of those relationships that made you be better and do better in the next relationship right? So, remember, that your next relationship is going to be better again. ie - the most love you ever felt was in that relationship you can't let go of. Yet, honey - that - is your reference point for Love. Now you know what that feels like. Now you know what to expect. Now you know what to create. And you know what? THAT is your GOLD. Because now you know that level of Love, you won't go to any less than that so to speak. That Love you experienced in that last relationship - that honey - that is your seed. And that seed grows into an Oak Tree. Or whatever tree you like ;) You have something to expand on and work with. So work through the Grief Cycle, get support with that if you need to. And know that that Love is only going to get better and bigger with every future step you take. The more you can give that Love to yourself - guess what the Universe will show in you response to that? You guessed it. More Love. Because you can only receive the amount of Love you feel and give to yourself. And your next relationship will reflect this to you.

I get asked these things so often that I needed to write this. I teach these things in depth in my online courses and work with people through these processes and more in my private mentoring.

Imagine a world where everyone could practise their Heart Muscle and take 100% responsibility for their own feelings. Wow, what a planet we'd have!

THIS is what I am here to help you with. Because one person at a time, creates Peace on Earth.

Compassion baby. Create that shit. Expand your Heart.

There ain't more truth that Live Your Heart.

Be Your Heart.

Because THAT is how we heal the World. One Heart at a time.

Love, Hannah xxx
The Life Purpose Queen 👑

P.S. Trust Your Intuition is where you can shift the layers, where you can become conscious of what it is you are burying, hiding, holding back and free yourself from that which has kept you bound... until now, click here for all the details: