I don't think puffy eyed cuts it... facing reality head on is what I call it
This has been the hugest waves for me this past few days... massive. So much so that this afternoon I had to stop and just... what on Earth IS this?!
I have been pushing through... but it isn't that I haven't stopped and that 'Oh Hannah, you just need to stop and take a break.'
It isn't about that.
There are certain things that I like to do in a day that I... CHOOSE to do - which has led me to a thing called DISCIPLINE that has allowed my business to reach where it has today from disciplining and CHOOSING to do certain things that allows my Soul to sleep through the night because I am doing those Soul led tasks - EVERY SINGLE DAY.
If I waited until I was healed... I would never work.
If I waited until I was perfect... I would never do the thing.
If I waited until I wasn't emotional... I would never turn up to my Soul led calling.
Part of doing what my Heart and Soul calls to me for, is that it includes bawling my eyes out and stopping during the day to do so - because I have created a life that I can do just that.
Or... I like to call it - space?
I actually haven't had S P A C E in my days for 3.5 years!
I was working on my big project today (that I know is stretching me wwwaaaayyyyy beyond my comfort zone more than anything ever before which I KNOW is a huge factor to me breaking down learning... stretching my brain in new ways as my neural pathways move, shift and create in new ways)... and the time of my birth during the day... it hit...
I stopped and went into my sacred space... and that feeling of just complete abandon.
Sooo many things flying through my brain as my analytic self (brain) tried to place exactly where it was coming from... trying to analyse the feelings, which the brain, can just... never do.
That alone feeling... why have I always been alone? Flashbacks of family gatherings just non-existent throughout these almost 20 years living on the other side of the country.... and all the abusive relationships I have been in ever since...
The realisation that I have had 15 months solid single mum duties with no break, plus 5 months on the road me full time driving and doing all the normal mum and business things then moving house at the same time, then moving in here and learning to manage a big home, multiple animals and... 😳😭But not just single mum duties... a tween who doesn't want to leave the house or do anything so leaves me feeling even more trapped and 'might as well work cause nothing else to do' 😳😭Feeling like I have missed out on the best years of my daughters life and I have been right by her side the entire time 💔😳😭
Flashbacks of 9 months ago to the abusive relationship I stayed in way longer (3mths total) that I should've left 2 weeks into it, but I thought I was shifting something out of me... yep - sure did - my tolerance to EVER put up with ANY slightest bit of that sort of a reality EVER again in my life ❌
And it dropped deeper... that 6 year old me... when I spoke up and got shut down and abused thereafter seemingly worse because I did speak up. Well, we know what that taught me for my adulthood right? Don't speak up about abuse! #right
Right now... peaking out of that.
Some say I have never dealt with that moment in time, even after ALL the work I have done since I was 21 working on this stuff.
And yet, that isn't true.
What is true, is that on the Lifespan Timeline chart that I teach in Trust Your Intuition, that is based deep in Steiner and Psychodynamic Therapy, the age I am now? Is right on time for this to be shifting out of my system.
No wonder I am going through an ENTIRE LIFE overhaul, not just in my business with it's massive structural changes, that is simply a by-product of this enormous personal change that I am going through - not being the overly caring, waiting on others hand and foot Mother to people anymore.
This huge change has made me realise that I have been trying to be the Mother to other people my entire life, that I never received, the care that I never received, the.... love and appreciation for simply being me that I never received.
That... the thing is that that 6 year old me - it wasn't even my Mother who 'did that to me' (the shut down when I spoke up!).
So huge. So deep. So intertwined.
Lucky I am an Ancient Blooded Healer who can deeply unthread and unpick this. Cause no one else has been able to for me.
Maybe that wasn't for them to unpick.
Maybe, just maybe.. it was always meant for me to unravel.
This.... S P A C E has ALLOWED this to surface!
This S P A C E, the first I have had in 3.5 years from not having 14 hours a day of clients - has allowed me space and today... made me question why?
Why did I do that?
Why did I jam pack my schedule like that for... sooooo long?!
A few things came to me about that... that is how I learnt to do business.
And yet, the glass dropper was.... that 3 years ago, a big chunk of my family disowned me and told me to 'stop doing this psychic shit online'.
I didn't know what to do with that - obviously.
I know I had a ceremony to release it... I know I bawled my eyes out more than I can count... and yet... what glass dropping smashing everywhere realisation today is that I buried myself in work.
I was receiving the love, adoration and all the things from my clients, from my loyal followers... for sharing my very accurate, very life transforming gift with them.
I know I am VERY good at what I do... and yet, I learnt how to do business by undercharging and overworking!
Well - no more of that now either! ❌
I think one would call that abuse of self! ❌I guess that is how I was taught to self love.
And it was a coping mechanism.
My heart broke today dropping into that big empty abyss of nothingness realising that I buried that deepest hurt and cut away from the family system. Nothing breaks my empath deeply sensitive heart more than anything.
And yet, the dawning realisations of the similarities of it - that 3 years before the crux point of the trauma on my timeline of 'being shut down in my voice for speaking the truth' and it happening 3 years ago - that 3 year bubble window breaker - right on time #ofcourse
Gosh... this journey into Self Love... that began with the wake up call of what I walked into 9 months ago into 'The Mists of Avalon' I called it, off grid, no electricity, no running water, no reception... complete loss of everything I owned, that I was attached to, that I... thought meant something to me.
Coming in from that place... electricity and running water let alone hot water.. that... was like a rebirth..
Right now, is the final birthing portal of that.
No wonder I have been breaking down in tears so much that I haven't bawled for years like that to have that puffy eyed cry.
I get annoyed when people 'worry about me because I am crying' gah... Just. Don't.
This is called FEELING REAL LIFE ffs.
Check your reality on that.... because society has been trained to NOT FEEL... you only need to take a look around today at where some are being led and trained into even more... because they already don't feel... you don't want to be like them do you?
Those that FEEL are the WARRIORS - we take that worry and be the WARRIOR by FEELING through it with damn COURAGE that enables us to KEEP OUR MORAL COMPASS and STAND UP FOR OUR RIGHTS when we are faced with adversity when the time arises, rather than being in fear of anyone who has power over us. From huge government organisations to the ones right in front of your face on a daily basis - no more! ❌
I have realised that THAT is why 'people are scared of me' - that 'too much' that I feel sooooo deeply and can unravel the deepest wounds no one even looks at - is because i am not afraid to say what I think and that unsettles people.
And yet... I have realised I have been somewhat closed to speaking that in my closest sphere... and THAT is cracking open, the mud has fallen off... that shell.. that has been keeping me emotionally closed for years... is falling away.
I have been questioning where has my feminine flow gone? Where has my joy gone? And all I have shared just now is definitely that 'block' and how busy I became with my business...
I used to surf almost daily AND still get my work done and then I became so busy I didn't have time for anything I enjoyed anymore. That... coping mechanism because of the shock of again being rejected...
That... is all unraveling right now. That... I am even speaking my truth online again now in blogs like these.. I stoped that several years ago when all that happened... Not anymore ❌
All this - especially after that huge release today, made me realise too.. tonight I didn't WANT to zone out and watch netflix.. (which shows how much shifted today with that deepest howl, more than the other week!) which I haven't done too much of recently but the last 3 years? Gosh, you've seen me talk about and deep dive into many shows right?
Tonight I realised, that was also the coping mechanism to working so much, listening to other's problems for 14 hours a day and then not having time for the things near and dear to my heart, let alone myself.... that... netflix was a 'life saver' back then, but also robbed me of my joy. Writing tonight... brought my heart alive again... this is who I am... this is me.. sharing my WHOLE heart and not being afraid to voice it.
So many layers that I am sooo grateful to have been shedding in this last few weeks....
This shift that I am going through is enabling me to open my heart again.. not just from the hurt of 9 months ago or this last few years... but from 30 years ago... that barricade is coming down...
No wonder I have been questioning EVERYTHING I am doing and feeling like my entire reality is falling apart and shattering - because it is! My entire reality is changing.
'Who am I without my trauma?' - that livestream I did the other day... that... exactly that.
Having been a certain way for 30 years since that happened - this shedding of all that I have ever known...
You'd wanna hope there are tears and deep grief coming out with that baby or something would be WRONG!
With this huge shift into self love, self acceptance, honouring who I am for the power and force that I am, rather than hiding away and shutting it down is the exact reason why my business structure is shifting and I know what I am working on now, changes that (up levels that) in another 6 months again with the plan for 2021 that has become acutely clear.
It is also the reason why I am only working with a few select clients at this time, why my fees have increased and the 'how' I am working with people has all changed.
I never valued myself or my gift and now I do and there is nothing more important to me, than my precious time, and who I am spending most of my time, days and energy listening to, with, around, supporting and creating in the world.
THAT is something I highly value and this HUGE shift has changed so much within me. and. my reality, beginning to show inklings and sparkling's of that inner shift.
Amongst all the tears... I can see the way... but it ain't easy birthing a new reality.
How has this birthing. portal been going for you?
I definitely know that I am not the only one going through such a deep unravelling. of what you are tolerating in your life and not putting up wth anymore I know I am not the only one crying and. bawling their eyes out and feeling alone and wondering why and delving into where that stems from for them.
I know that I am not the only one deeply recalibrating from those powerful eclipses from April 2020.
I thought we were almost through it from the feeling yesterday but again, the huge wave came... Intuitively, I got the message that until after March 7 would we feel some relief from these huge life changing energies. With another 'dip' Mid-late March then a plateau/rising energy for several weeks to come.
Until then, ride the waves... with deep shedding the skins love, knowing that, this is the darkness before the dawn, this is the current leading you to where you want to go, this is the skin peeling off to reveal the new, stronger deep spiritual warrior you are, not afraid to use your voice or stand up for your rights and give per missional power for others to do the same.
The Life Purpose Queen 👑
P.S. In just a few more hours - Trust Your Intuition OPENS. That means that Life Purpose Accelerator OPENS alongside it.
The power place where you can rise from the ashes and step into the powerful boundary loving, self warrior Queen that you are, here to. change the world and live your life at the same time.
The one who won't take no for an answer and always finds a way.
The one who doesn't give up no matter how rough it gets.
The one who MAKES IT HAPPEN and knows just where you are headed - away from the shit you came from, alchemising it in the process to return to it with the open hearted, free wild hearted Soul Spirit that you ARE and are ready to step back into, awaken to and remember the truth of who you are, let alone what you came here to do.
Click here for all the details, Early Bird opens soon and applications are open for my Inner Circle: https://realityawareness.lpages.co/trustyourintuition