The last 3 months have been the hardest of my entire life...Aug 04, 2021
This last 3 months has been one of the hardest of my entire life, especially these last 2 weeks. Maybe you can relate...
Today, I feel there has been some shift for me.. in realising the 'whys', realising and understanding the 'but whys' and the 50 whys that follow that with my deeply intuitively, highly tapped in mind that constantly searches for answers in the great abyss of the limitless space that is.... life.
Over the years I have had to train my mind to drop into my heart - many times over and THAT is still a life long, moment by moment practise that DOES get easier with dedicated committed non-negotiable practise.
I realised this last few days that... I am still coming out of and off that adrenaline fuelled cycle - of my entire life.
'Who am I without my trauma? Who am I without my adrenaline fuelled life and state of being as normal?'
Something huge is shifting for me and it has been - you guessed it - a good 9 months of this shifting, from the moment I realised what was going on underneath to having a few solid weeks of deep body work shifting it out of my body, I have just passed the 9 month portal of that beginning. So no wonder the last 2 weeks have been the most intense for me!
The biggest realisation I have dropped into and it has created a huge softening that I am still dropping into, accepting and living and breathing is that I am safe now. Which, is quite ironic given the current state of world affairs. Truly goes to show it is an inside job!
Of course, waves still come over me - but that internalised anxious unsettled just not feeling safe internal state of being has shifted - greatly.
I even realised yesterday when I was sorting out the animals, that I am just not stressed - I remember doing the same tasks only just a few months ago and feeling soooo stressed out, so anxious, so unsettled, just... stressed to the max. Now, some HUGE things have shifted out of my life since then too and alongside of that... huge realisations about how on path I needed to be in my own life, not following anyone else's state of affairs shall we say, that I just needed to do me.
And yet, dropping into such a deep, deep hole of aloneness. And yet - this was different. A few synchronistic events happened that made me realise just how alone I am. But - the difference was a different FEELING of alone and what I distinguished, was that the abandonment alone feeling compared to not wanting to live life alone anymore - was VERY distinctive! THAT alone showed me how much I had shifted. So huge for me. It was here, I realised that I am ready to date, to put myself out there, to take responsibility for my reality and truly create the life of my dreams - even on lockdown ha.
From my daughter going to New Zealand to visit her Dad, to Starz going walkabout for 4 days (soooo grateful for all your prayers, it wasn't until I asked for collective prayers that he returned safely home! So, thank YOU!), to finding a baby kangaroo on the side of the road (I always check kangaroos for joeys in the pouch, no I didn't hit it, you would know about it with my car damage and there isn't any) to the baby dying not long after I brought it inside, to having a tick on my scalp that I couldn't get out on my own (needless to say the cats don't sleep on my bed anymore!) that freaked me out that made me truly drop into this difference of alone feeling, that... after all these years and sooo much internal work, I am definitely ready to date and find my match. #itstime I just don't want to do life alone anymore and that, is something I need to take responsibility for rather than think it is going to happen magically whilst living out in the country on my own in the middle of nowhere! haha!
I have been in such a huge recalibration these last few months especially with the last two weeks peaking at the most crucial and devastating feelings that would rise and take me into a pile of darkness that shifts only with my conscious feelings of the entire piece. Without that, I would not have come to realise that the last 'dregs' of the adrenaline fuelled, 'running', let alone 'letting go of my beach lifestyle' = all of this, is allowing me to stabilise the next phase of my life, deeply grounding in with all the things that are allowing me to continue to follow this feeling of Peace, that amongst the darkness, amongst the world shifts and turns - is right there beside me, sometimes soooo strongly and with sooo much dejavu this last week especially, showing me... I am right where I am meant to be. How could it have been any other way?
This clear slate that I have been given, things that I once wanted, no longer desiring as old generational lineage lifts out of me, layer by layer with the shifts I have been having working with my Generational Lift Meditation (about to be released soon!).
Loving going shopping and can't even go to the shops now, my daughter has taught me how to online shop for things I used to enjoy walking around the shops for. That in itself was a huge change, but feel like I don't want to waste time walking around the shops now! Let alone what is going on with world chaos stuff.
I have been in a HUGE detox especially this last 3 months. I had been umming and arring about giving my hair and head a rest from the chemicals of hair dye and I missed one appointment that would make my normal 6 week visit, then silly lockdown crap begun and continued to decide the decision for me to have a break - the biggest piece I can feel there is my head and brain having a rest from the chemicals and without the break, wouldn't have recognised how deeply that goes into my brain. Sure, of course right, but showed me how humans can just become accustomed to something so easily and routinely and doesn't make it right - but we adjust, especially when it becomes habitual. Kinda interesting given current world circumstances.
Like I have said, Humanity is currently in relationship with a narcissist and it is going to take a bit to wake up from that, let alone change circumstances and step out of it. We just have to remember that it WILL take time and that there ARE so many of US out there and here - we just need to find and connect and FOCUS on them...
My body isn't just detoxing from the hair chemicals, I can feel it detoxing from living coastal beach lifestyle convenience of shops at hand lifestyle, let alone the trauma releasing from deep in my bones. Sooo much is detoxing out of my life right now, on every level. I haven't done any strict cleanses yet, but the crew in LOADED - phew! We are feeling the shifts of Transforming Darkness to Light at the deepest levels and it is INCREDIBLE what has already shifted after only 2 weeks! We have another 2.5 months to go and omg the transformations are already palatable.
I can feel myself coming back to my natural state - I LOVE my black hair, but my natural hair to me - makes me feel natural all over. Hard to describe. I can feel like I am coming back to my roots, the more I am out here in the vast land that I sit on, waking up to many bird sounds and seeing the sunrise through the trees for miles every morning from my big windows in my room... I have definitely found my 'Home' - and that.. is allowing me to come into my true Home - my body. Feeling safe. Chemicals, trauma and crap all detoxing out of my body. I am coming back to me in sooo many ways.
And in that, can feel like everything is being stripped away, taken away, dropped, changed and shaken up, crumbling and reintegrating and the most utter space, peace and also an adjustment to this new feeling, that is so foreign but so Home at the same time... coming Home to me.
All in the midst where Queensland is about to go on one of the strictest hugest lockdowns we have ever seen yet, and inside, I knew I was always waiting for this to happen. Right on cue, of the 18 months, since I had the vision of men in white puffy suits coming door to door to force vaccinate. Still hope I am wrong about that. But the lockdown is going to be intense, people already feeling it.
It goes to prove/show that life is really created on the inside... and how much, the world needs the safety, protection and deeply internal peaceful space, where life and reality is truly created from.
The New Earth, lives inside of you. And we hold that vision, vibration, a state of being... so the world can reflect that.. one person at a time, banding together, holding this, even though the darkest times are going to walk ahead, hand in hand, arm in arm, we've got this. Together.
The Life Purpose Queen 👑
P.S. They are frequency patches on my skin, shifting, healing and supporting me
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