Phew! Releasing this adrenaline addiction is worse than Heroin!
(and yes, OBSESSED with this filter! Think I'm ready and willing receiving LIGHT baby! If only there were real Gold tattoos! )
Well, actually I wouldn't know... however, they say that Love Addiction is worse than Heroin and I know THAT one inside out and back to front sooooo......
And #sidenote - I was thinking last night as I was re-organising and cleaning out my (very grateful for) walk in pantry - how Cocaine and White Flour (that is in almost ALL foods) look EXACTLY the same! #interesting
This adrenaline addiction... is huge for me.
Adrenaline through coffee sure... but for me, it is deeper than coffee... it is what society has been raised on. Fear, adrenaline, fight or flight, go go go go go, don't listen to your body, just get into go mode and get on with it, don't feel, just do
It's also what HOOKS us into drama...
Have you been feeling side swiped lately? So much pull on...
At the time, it definitely doesn't feel like it and sometimes we are not shown until a year - or two later even, if at all.... why things happen the way they do.
I have become obsessed with sleeping with my blinds open - THE STARS I can see from my bed takes my breath away - well, makes me breathe sooo deep to fall asleep to.
I used to always many years ago, sleep with my blinds open then for whatever reason stopped it. If it wasn't for the whole mould incident in the ensuite, which is now fully cleaned, treated, painted and restored - I still haven't moved back in that room.
If it wasn't for that whole experience, I wouldn't have moved my bed and made one of the other 5 bedrooms in this house, my room, which was only going to be for now. However - a few weeks ago, I got the message to sleep with the blinds open. I hadn't been because it has been so cold, however, I tried it one night and the heater managed to continue to do it's job and.... OMG THE STARS.
This last 3 months has been one of the hardest of my entire life, especially these last 2 weeks. Maybe you can relate...
Today, I feel there has been some shift for me.. in realising the 'whys', realising and understanding the 'but whys' and the 50 whys that follow that with my deeply intuitively, highly tapped in mind that constantly searches for answers in the great abyss of the limitless space that is.... life.
Over the years I have had to train my mind to drop into my heart - many times over and THAT is still a life long, moment by moment practise that DOES get easier with dedicated committed non-negotiable practise.
I realised this last few days that... I am still coming out of and off that adrenaline fuelled cycle - of my entire life.
'Who am I without my trauma? Who am I without my adrenaline fuelled life and state of being as normal?'
Something huge is shifting for me and it has been - you guessed it - a good 9 months of this shifting, from the moment...
I realised something huge yesterday....
After the fiasco of am I moving or am I staying that has been a bit of a dilemma for a few months for me (did you watch my - you wouldn't even read about it livestream a few weeks back?!)....
I realised something huge yesterday...
After deciding to stay for another 12 months, I signed the lease and was done with it.
All of a sudden the cats calmed down and weren't so crazy anymore.... for MONTHS they have been picking up my 'do I stay or do I go' energy and everything shifted when I made a decision.
Things became crazy in other areas of my life though... and yet, I was just dealing with the aftermaths of many things - like 5 years of being 'on the run' - and yet, that is the aftermath of coming out of a life and reality of living in an adrenaline fuelled life that was normal from societies standards that has been reeking havoc on my system for like... my entire life.
The mould situation in the ensuite...
WHEN YOU TURN YOUR BACK ON ANYTHING THAT DIMS YOUR LIGHT AND REMEMBER WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE
Whatever dark abyss I travelled the other day - it returned me to the LIGHT OF WHO I AM It always does... you just have to know how to travel it.
Maybe I have been afraid to own it.
Maybe I have been out of alignment.
Maybe it is just fucking time.
I definitely know I needed this time of deep recalibration that is for sure, I know I needed this space to remember who I am. I know I needed this space to shift out of and release my old life - I definitely know that.
The other day, dropping into the deepest of deep grief that I haven't felt since 2013 - I KNEW something was shifting, although, it didn't feel nice, I witnessed myself in the total floor-less abyss that cleaned me out like no tomorrow.
IN honour of REMEMBERING WHO THE FUCK I AM - I have woken - well, last night in the shower of course! All the things came streaming through reminding me...
I used to run away from everything. I have been called unstable, lost and told that I don't know what I am doing time and time again.
This used to break my heart
And - it made for some deep self-reflection and consistent inner work with myself, counsellors and mentors over the years as people in my life would continue to say these things to me, so I looked at it. I took it on board.
And yet, I did it in a way that made me feel like something was wrong with me.
Of course I am grateful now, but gosh it knocked me down, tore my heart out and made me feel like I was broken for a long time.
Over the years and with deep self reflection I have learnt that I am not unstable.
Whilst the very people who told me I was unstable have changed jobs and career more times than I can count in the same time I have continued to build, expand and stabilise Reality Awareness.
Whilst the very people who also told me I was unstable and need to sort my shit out have...
"You go first." - The Universe.
MY SOUL IS ABUNDANCE
My Soul is Opulence. My Soul is pure Light. My Soul is pure Desire. My Soul is everything I ever want and will continue to want, even when all my wants are met.
MY SOUL IS ABUNDANCE
My Soul is everything to me.
And it is only now, today... that I realised why I have been through why I have been through... why I lost the connection to my Soul... or went unconscious to the connection of my Soul.
This is hard to describe, but the best way I can describe it that was the big dawning realisation on the way home from my second surf today....
Was how Carl Jung had psychosis whilst he was understanding and creating the work that still lives on today, 88 years after he passed away.
I used to live in full free flow of my Soul. I used to be 100% Soul driven, care free, deeply Soul led, in full synchronistic flow - every single day of my life from day dot.
Breaking all the rules of...
I choose to trust my intuition and bare my Soul
Some days... like yesterday, I find that almost every single location I visit, someone always comments on my tattoos and then somedays, no one says anything.
Yesterday, was a day where every place I visited, someone said something.
"I love your tattoos!" he says as he walks out the door past me in the post office, much to the elderly ladies disgust as she looked at me from what he was saying.
"What does your number plate mean?" says a Native American descent looking man as I was filling up with petrol as he walked over admiring it, as I replied that "I am a Healer, it means Light Dark," he smiled and said, "Some people call me a Healer too, I know what Light Dark means and also a disruptor of the systems that control us." I smiled back as he walked off, "I know that one!" I said, smiling realising that I have just had another huge energetic shift.
When I find days like this... I know I have just had a...
I AM IN A BIG HOT CREATIVE MESS AND I F*&K*NG LOVE IT
I walked into my office last night to make some last minute notes and updates for myself and my team before closing the door before I went to bed and looked around as I got up from my desk... so much mess - creative mess - everywhere. My heart smiled. She's back.
There is oracle cards, crystals, coloured felt pens and pencils everywhere, creative notes everywhere, on the floor is piles of creative papers from my current projects and just stuff strewn everywhere....
AND I F*&K*NG LOVE IT
I smiled as I looked around... I haven't felt this happy for what seems like years.
Ask me that a few months back and I would've said that I am in the worst place in my life... and I was.
I feel like I have 'popped' through the old paradigm that I had been trying to break out of especially for the last 2 years and something has massively shifted.
I know it is because I am now valuing my...