I had stopped trusting myself...Sep 23, 2020
I had stopped trusting myself... and I didn't even know.
Right now, layers upon layers, upon layers are releasing from me.
And amongst that.. I didn't even know I had stopped trusting myself.
I had been looking out there to this person and this person and this person for confirmation of what I was doing, for... something... and I didn't even realise I had.
I didn't realise I had shut myself down.
Today... layers upon layers upon layers have been releasing.
It is making me wonder whether it is this 12 month commitment to the liver/gall bladder cleanse I have just committed to, or whether I have just entered into another 18mth cycle, where I am grieving... all that has covered me up... all that.. I LET cover me up.
When I began online four years ago I was SOOOOOO excited and enthusiastic. I had FINALLY found my avenue, my outlet, the way I can FINALLY reach more than 10 people in a yoga class/chakra workshop and FUCKING CHANGE THE WORLD!!!!! JUST like I had always known.
This last almost two years.. I have been wondering where THAT aliveness had gone...
And this last few days of layer shedding, upon purging, upon tears... is showing me where the fuck that Hannah has gone...
She has been buried.. upon the shame, the pain, and the hurt of everyone else's comments and words... that I took to HEART because I am THAT damn sensitive ESPECIALLY to those close to me and when someone I admire, someone I LOVE, someone dear to me, says things 'out of the blue' that... I didn't really realise how THAT is how they REALLY thought about me? 😳😢😭
Yes, I howl and I grieve and I let it out... boy do I.
However, this past few days has shown me so, so clearly, just how much, each of those times has.... left huge great gaping holes in my heart, that even with all those counselling therapy sessions... nothing had healed that hurt and pain.
I didn't... even realise.
Today, I received a birthday card in the mail from my grandmother. In it, said, 'We never hear from you anymore.'.
I threw the card down on the floor in my car, after getting it out of the PO BOX. (Feeling all pro having a PO BOX nowadays. Must be really stepping up in the world 🤣 If you want to send belated birthday gifts, or simply.. because, you can send yours to me at PO BOX 530, Cooroy, Queensland, 4563)
I was angry. I was hurt. And I..... couldn't believe it. Then I remembered, they are getting old... maybe... they don't know. Maybe... they don't remember.
Several years ago, I decided to stop calling home to my family.
After every time for about 12 months, every time I did, would just be a barrage of words about how much of a bad person I am and how I shouldn't be living my life this way.. oh, and don't get me started on how I shouldn't be schooling my daughter this way either you know!
After a time, and me noticing that it KEPT happening... I came to a point where I was like, what am I even calling 'home' for anymore?
I realised it... isn't home.
I guess living on the other side of the country for 18 years...
It was around that time, I kept trying to move house and kept getting knocked back, over and over and over again... for a solid two years. I guess that... the 5 month road trip, whilst there were many 'reasons' why we got in the car and left... one of them, was definitely to find... Home.
When I received the card, I rang her almost right away... and reminded her, why. Why I don't call 'home' anymore. Why... 'We never hear from you anymore.'.
And in that... I was instantly bawling my eyes out, that deep sobbing breathing crying. I couldn't believe it to be honest.
I am all good. And then, that happens.
I noticed how just the other week I was triggered into the grief about my family situation that.. for some reason hasn't surfaced. I guess it has, but at the same time, felt... powerless perhaps about it, because, well, what can I do? I haven't done anything wrong, but being the scapegoat of the family, well... I am already at a loss.
It has just been better without copping that every time I call. It has been... quieter... and enabled me to truly... discover who I am.
WHICH... for the last two years - had shut down and THAT I only realised today!
I got called a Rich Bogan the other day. We were driving out of that suburb that I spoke about... that is pretty boganville actually if you ask me and as we were pulling out of the famous pie place that after driving past 10 zillion times on the highway, I had never once been to, the group of young men who were standing around their car, as I reversed, looked as they said it and with my window down caught what they said...
I used to be called, Hippie, Raver, Bogan...
I love my V8's...
Recently, with now having one of my dream cars in reality, I notice that... the people who, tell me to slow down, who tell me to stop 'driving like a hoon' who... tell me to stop and tell me they don't like not driving.... or like.. me driving...
I realised today, driving home from getting my hair done, still processing all of this...
Are the ones intimidated by my successful business..
Are intimidated by how astoundingly in tune and accurate my intuition is that I speak of their deepest darkest secrets without them even uttering a word and I don't even realise I am speaking of such... and THAT scares the SHIT out of them...
That.. are intimidated because I get up at 5am every single fucking morning and do the fucking work to change my damn life instead of sitting around drinking and smoking and blaming the chemtrails for their ill health, when they smoke ten packs a day 🙄 #gofigure
That.... are intimidated because I am actually living my DREAMS and doing the damn thing instead of coming up with every damn fucking excuse under the sun including MONEY when that isn't the damn problem - the damn problem is their own fucking FEAR holding them back and blaming everyone else instead of taking massive fucking action backed by fucking FAITH and MAKING it happen. Did you know that I had less money that I could even afford fuel to get to Victoria when I left?? Did you know that I didn't care and got in the damn car anyway because I KNEW it would all work out and I have NEVER let money stop ANY decision I want to do because I just ALWAYS do what I want to do no matter how much is in my bank account.
I MAKE IT HAPPEN.
Is the MAGIC I talk about... but no one is willing to do that. Instead they will just complain about how the fuck they can't.
Don't come whinging to me when you haven't even done the damn thing I said to do that will get you there. There is ALWAYS a way.
I stopped trusting myself... of all the hurt, of all the words that I let creep in and cloud the truth of who I was.
Why did I do that?! Who knows.
Perhaps I was afriad of my own damn success and so began to sabotage it by hiding the fuck away and trying to be like ..... whoever the fuck to be accepted by... whoever the fuck!
I don't even know!
But I DO know that all those layers, upon layers, had clouded me.
And these last few days a FIRE HAS BEEN LIT...
No fucking way will I censor myself anymore.
Oh, too much swearing?
Then stop reading my damn content!
Don't like it?
I have been trying to fit in a box and that is not who I am.
I have listened to other people in this last 18 months and it has made me hide away in shame?! What for?! Who knows...
But all I do know, is that Hannah is BACK... and stronger than ever before.
That gaping big hole in my heart, was only because I LET their words shut me down, because I let, my love for them, remain in shock, that, that is how they actually thought about me.
Which seems to happen time and time again... however, the hugest thing I have realised in all of this?
Is who I let into my closest sphere.
That is called boundaries baby.
And without these hurtful painful lessons.. I wouldn't have realised that:
- this is who I am and if you don't like it, why are you still here?
- that I actually don't place myself around people like that, or leave immediately with the first signs of anything 'off' (not wait 3 months for it to shift, because it doesn't! If someone shows you their true colours, believe them the first time)
- that second chances, don't happen when you've shown me your true colours
- that I can forgive and be civil, but I will never open to you or have you in my life again like it used to be #radicalboundaries = #radicalselflove
- that I will never take business advice from people who are earning less than me in business
- that I will never take any advice from someone who is not living the life I desire
- that I know what I am being guided to do and I don't need confirmation to trust what it is I am born for or meant to do.
I used to be sooo confident in what I am doing, my abilities and speaking my damn WHOLE truth from my damn WHOLE self.
And all these things over these past few years especially, gosh - I saw something once that an entrepreneurs journey is the highest level personal development work you can ever do (or something along those lines) and gosh, that isn't wrong!
I sleep SSSSSOOOOOOOOO deeply EVERY SINGLE FUCKING night, because I am doing what I have been put on this Earth to do PLUS I do whatever I want, when I want. In FULL FREEDOM.
Because THAT is the life I have CREATED.
Anyone can create the life they want... but most don't. They are too busy telling those doing it how not to do it. And it is sooo interesting that ti it those people... that want it so bad, but are too damn scared to leave their family system, let alone their friends to actually have what they want, so they continue drinking their Soul into oblivion and wondering why they have so many issues in their life. Especially the annoyance of the person they are tearing down doing the damn thing.
They say it is lonely at the top. And whilst that COULD be true. What I ACTUALLY feel?
Is the freedom to do what I want when I want, regardless of what anyone thinks or says.
I think... that is called Liberation 🦅
I was more lonely, when I had people around me constantly telling me all the things bad and wrong about me. I was more lonely, when the ones closest to me, would lie and also be living and inauthentic life, gossiping bitching, moaning and being negative about every damn thing their eyes looked at ❌ #nothanks
You will be knocked down time and time again. Get back up again.
You will be told all the reasons why you shouldn't do something. Do it anyway.
You will lose people along the way. Do it anyway.
I am a rich bogan and I love it.
I drive my V8 like a super car driver and swear like a trooper.
I am passionate about what I do and damn fucking good at it too.
I eat what I want and I do what I want, every single moment, of every single day.
I have complete freedom... so, it's time to remember this and to unleash the Hannah that had been covered up, buried deep inside, by Her allowing those who were simply so damn insecure within themselves, tell her what to do ❌ #nomore
I came here to change the damn fucking world and anyone who ever holds me back from that ever again... well.... that just aint happening EVER again.
THAT is what I was born to do. And somehow I forgot that, these past 12-18months, having being clouded in all their shit that I carried deep in the hurt and pain ❌ #nomore
I ain't the Life Purpose Queen for no reason.
I am born to change the world.
And that.. is what I shall do.
The Life Purpose Queen 👑
P.S. If you are tired of being dumbed down, of shutting yourself down and not even realising it, if you are sick and tired of being in relationships that are LESS than your HIGHEST vision for and of yourself...
It's time to do something the fuck about it.
My 21 Day Shifter Program will sort that out for you. Click here for all the details, there is no more time to fuck around. You came here to change the damn world and you know it. Stop hiding... and SHINE: https://www.realityawareness.com/21-day-shifter-program