I just wouldn't even go there now...
Yet, if I didn't learn what I did back then, if it didn't destroy me back then... well, I know it would've come forth at some point in my lifetime and I am grateful that it did, when it did and... I even feel nervous sharing this.
I also know, that all my experiences have led me to this place now, to have this acute understanding of relationship dynamics, of energetic understanding and for that? Well, I guess the pain was kinda worth it! 😳🙈
When I was fumbling my way around, fumbling my way in the early days of building my business online, this July, marking 4 years from the very moment I opened the online course program I had bought to teach myself how to do it... there was, a lot of... fumbling around... not even, in the online gig scene.
This was... fumbling around in relationships!
I JUST WOULDN'T.....
I see now? That this entire journey online? Has been my journey through Healing My Inner Masculine.
This is about how I feel supported by people, by myself, by everyone I ever know, let alone the Universe.
This is about feeling loved and cared for, this is about feeling nurtured and deeply, deeply adored.
This is about... feeling Loved.
I JUST WOULDN'T....
I was speaking with a client this morning about this and I spoke about this last week to another client and I felt this tap, tap, tap on my shoulder tonight to write this here, perhaps there are more needing to hear this message? So perhaps, you don't have to go through the heartache and what seems like torture that I went through?
This is SORT OF on tone, with a blog I wrote not too long ago about Relationships - Do I Stay or Do I Go? That BIG relationship question... (if you haven't read that, you can do so here: https://www.realityawareness.com/blog/do-i-stay-or-do-i-go-the-big-relationship-question )
It was on tone, with Do I Stay Or Do I Go? And what if, there is someone else, coming along into the picture as well?
It is all so tempting right?
You are in a less than satisfactory relationship currently. you have been doubting it, you have been getting signs, but you keep brushing them off. Then all of a sudden, someone else turns up on the scene and it seems grass is greener scenario, but you suddenly realise you have developed feelings for each other. Or maybe it is just you feeling this way.
So that leaves you... with one big fat decision to make right?
Do I Stay Or Do I Go?!?
Yet - the part here? That I want to speak of particularly, that I am nervous to, yet I am just going to write.... This is from experience and also from deep understanding of energetics and what...
I JUST WOULDN'T.... these days... BECAUSE of what I went through... but what I went through taught me... what Love, really is, what... LOVE I really want.. and what I am willing to deeply align to and turn away ANYTHING that is ANYTHING but that!
I am relating this to when I began online, because that is when I was fumbling around in these relationships that taught me so much... and what, lately, I have realised, was so much about me healing my own Inner Masculine. Some people might have called it distractions and maybe it was... to owning my full power, to owning my full worth, to owning my dear Goddess self and not letting ANYTHING come between that ever again.
If you have been following me for sometime, you will know my journey through being in and out of relationships with men. Yet, there was one man, that was the main 'cause' let's say... this man, was the one who taught me the MOST about LOVE. For that, I am grateful, yet, the road to this LOVE was a fucking painful one... until I broke through...
We were on and off for 5 years solid. The last 3 years of it, I was receiving consistent mentoring and without her, I wouldn't have been able to see, find or feel this Love that I do today, which has been the deepest gift from all of this - yet - this didn't come, without me healing my Inner Masculine.
On one of our 'break up phases' in this 5 years, I was in another relationship. When I go into a relationship, I am ALL IN. I am like that with ANYTHING. All in or not at all. This relationship that I came into, we had known each other for 12 years, we used to party and were together way back when and so when we met again and he, fresh out of his relationship and I mine, well, it just felt like it was meant to be.
Fast forward 4 months and.. I discovered that his ex was... still deeply on his heart strings. With 3 young children between them and her infidelity and kicking him out... he would've gone back in a heart beat... probably because of his kids I don't know, but.. it was so strong and when this dawning moment realised upon me - I was devastated! #naturally. I jumped into another relationship, not realising what I was doing and became instant soulmates and then, you guessed it - his ex was back on the scene and I was destroyed!!!
I was sooo heartbroken, I didn't want to be on the planet anymore.. it was full on... and I swore I never would again and then.. a few months later, someone else turned up on the scene. And you guessed it, several months later, same thing again... it was over and his ex, was back on the scene... I was like WTF IS GOING ON HERE!!!
What I realised... is that all these men... they were waiting for their ex to take them back. They hadn't fully grieved, the hadn't fully let go, they hadn't... let go... it was like they weren't even broken up in the first place and energetically - they definitely hadn't.
And yes, you guessed it, it dawned on me after many sessions with my mentor, that... I hadn't let go of my ex. That I was with these men on the rebound, just like they were I. So of course, it was a perfect match wasn't it?!?!
So for me, I was with these men... yet... I hadn't let go of my ex. I even remember, early on with one of them, falling asleep after having sex with them, but crying myself to sleep in their bed - crying for my ex! Super bad right!? Gah. HUGE learning.
I know this sounds 'short' in this writing here, but all this occurred over a 3 year space, this was a long time of constant heartache and pining and crying and wtf's and.... it was never ending! All the whilst 'trying to build my business!' (this main part I speak of here, was 18 months before I came online too...so not all online, but I was still working in my business, just not online)
So, what is the point I am sharing this for?
Is that, if you are struggling to figure out if you should stay or go, or are in a less than satisfactory relationship, because you have broken up with your ex ages ago, but nothing is 'doing it for you' ever since, or perhaps you avoid relationships, or intimacy, or perhaps you are finding that you are attracting men that are similar with what I have shared here and if you are a male reading this and experiencing same from your point of view... or it just seems like failed relationship, after failed relationship with no end in sight - what do you do about it?
#1 - Look at how long it's been since you and your ex (main big relationship) have broken up. What is the time frame on that? 12 months? 18 months? 3 years? If it isn't 'that long' ie, these times I've mentioned here and you've been in relationships since that have been what this post is about, then this is something to deeply consider
#2 - Have you done a conscious clean up? Have you done a ceremony/ritual to release the relationship? MOST IMPORTANTLY - have you GRIEVED the loss of the relationship? What was the cause of the original break up? Have you had support to work through that? Because for example, if you haven't and you've buried it, perhaps you attract a partner who has a very hostile relationship with his ex - why? Because you've buried your pain and haven't dealt with it and he's only reflecting that to you. You're seeing it 'out there' in your reality, because it is 'in there' within you... There is MANY things you can do to release the relationship, ceremonies, rituals, grieving, get support - the most important thing is that you do this consciously, because the emotional threads/cords will still be there and if there isn't a conscious clean up that has taken place from your end, you will find that you will attract people who reflect what you've buried. The thing about this? Is that there is probably a part of you that doesn't want to let go! Yet, you've 'had' to, but that wasn't how the story was supposed to end! And so energetically you are still holding on - sooo important to release this!
#3 - HAVE YOUR RADAR SWITCHED ON!!! Now... everyone has STUFF! EVERYBODY has baggage, everybody has issues, everybody has emotional STUFF. However - YOU GET TO CHOOSE whose stuff you enter into with! Not in you taking responsibility for it way - yet, in a way you choose to. What do I mean by this? When I meet someone nowadays, I am conscious of a few things... my radar is SWITCHED ON to:
~ How they talk about their ex
~ Whether they constantly talk about it or not (healers beware! you may be the healer in relationship, have you become aware and shifted this role yet?)
~ What sort of amicable or hostile relationship they have with their ex (especially when children are involved) and are there strong boundaries (court orders) in place to support their own life or not? Especially when it was hostile/abusive.
~ Do they do their own inner work?
~ Do they take responsibility for their own energy?
~ How do they treat the world?
~ Do they take care of themselves?
~ What self talk and what sort of 'talk about others' do they have on board?
~ Do they have their own hopes, dreams, visions - yet most importantly, do they spend their spare time WORKING ON BUILDING THAT?
Now, they are just a few things that I personally HAVE MY RADAR switched on for nowadays because of what I went through.
That list? And the list you compile for yourself after reading this? KEY CRUCIAL ELEMENT - are YOU living your life this way? Are you - doing all the above? What about your ex? Have you grieved them? Or did you just bury that? Don't worry.. I buried it too in the beginning, I think as a coping mechanism, we all do to an extent. Gosh, it took me 4 other relationships to wake up to all of this... so with my pure love intention of sharing this with you, that you can catch yourself early on, and deeply, deeply support yourself with or without help and guidance of a mentor, to be able to come into the strength, the power, the grace, the LOVE for YOURSELF that you ARE worthy of... because you are ALIVE - you are simply worthy, because you are simply ALIVE beautiful one!
You feel pain, because you are human... you also feel love, because you are human - you and your Soul? That is the marriage you want to find, because when you do? Ah, that connection fuels the world - YOUR WORLD with LOVE and that Inner Masculine I was talking about?
It is this - this marriage, this inner commitment, this dedication - these realisations - that in ALL THAT GRIEF that I CONSTANTLY found myself dropping back into, grieving about how much I missed my ex, how much I loved my ex - how much I never let myself actually FEEL for him whilst IN relationship with him at the times we were (I had blocks up to that whilst IN relationship with him and that is a whole nother story in itself!) -
All this grief? This pining, this grief - that was me feeling the love for him, for the first time? This amount of LOVE that made me fall to my knees with how much I actually loved him and never let myself really FEEL until recently? (well, a while ago now with all that support from my dear mentor Lois)
That depth of LOVE? It was one pivitoal - REALITY CHANGING LIFE DIRECTION CHANGING words that Lois said to me in session... 'That love - is actually the love you feel for yourself' I kinda rolled my eyes in a way at that comment, but something stuck with me with what she said... and that stuckness, was it hitting CORE TRUTH.
It was ME - FEELING ME FOR THE FIRST TIME.
Letting myself actually FEEL LOVE FOR ME - that HE showed me how to FEEL.
He was the first relationship, the first man, that I actually felt love from. It was different to all the rest. I guess that is why I struggled to let it go, so much on and off again from both sides for years.
Yet - that realisation - no, that FEELING? That - that LOVE is actually - ME LOVING MYSELF?
It took several months for that to really sink in. Remember - I rolled my eyes when I first heard her say it! Yet... it was core truth and that truth, outweighed anything I ever felt again.
This depth of self love, this depth of care for self, this depth of - ME, has totally changed me. Without this, I would not have built what I have. Because within me actually letting myself LOVE myself... - no - FEEL THE LOVE FOR MYSELF - is me feeling safe enough with my inner masculine to hold me, to be there for me, to never leave my side, to not betray me.
My inner masculine was reflected in this man - he showed me the love I was capable of loving within myself. And yet, when I finally became this love, that he continually said to me in the beginning of our relationship, that there is love and goodness within you - when I finally became that person, instead of locking my own love away (and I wondered why I never felt love, never felt like anyone loved me, all this time, I had locked it away within me!) That when I became this love, and towards the end of that 5 year mark, he turned around and said to me, 'I don't know who you have become, I don't know you anymore' I said to him, 'I am the love you always told me was within me, finally that has come out now, it is me now'... he replied with, 'I don't know that I love this Hannah. I don't love you anymore'. You can imagine my shock. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do, but... it was so clear to me, the energetics, the entire reality shift... I had done that much inner work, that no longer was there a vibe there, there were two completely different vibrations - that love that was locked away now out and who I was/am and that... was no longer attractive. The two puzzle pieces, were no longer a vibrational match. So interesting right? Now, that isn't to say, to people like that could not be in a relationship... yet, over time... I realised that I do want - what I listed above.
And my radar? Is SWITCHED ON FOR THAT.
I JUST WOULDN'T = go there - when a man, is still hung up on his ex, has not done any sort of releasing ritual ceremony to let it go, has not grieved - I JUST WOULDN'T. No body is perfect, and there are always waves - but this sort of consciousness around letting go of relationships - I HAVE MY RADAR SWITCHED ON FOR. And those that - are still in relationship and go fishing elsewhere just in case? I JUST WOULDN'T.
This Inner Masculine of mine - was reflecting this tooing and froing... I would be in, then I would be out, relationship on again, then off again... why? Because there were deep parts of me that didn't feel safe with the masculine... and so, this was reflected in the relationships I was attracting. They would abandon me, leave me, say words, then not follow through with them, they would betray me, not stick up for me - why? Because I didn't feel safe INTERNALLY with the masculine/inner masculine - so of COURSE I wasn't going to feel safe with LOVE - because the masculine is all about safety and you need to feel safe with the masculine, to feel safe IN LOVE - not in an 'infatuation' love relationship IN LOVE, but in BEING LOVE yourself, in BEING COMFORTABLE with BEING LOVE yourself - in you feeling EVERY OUNCE OF LOVE that you have this extremely phenomenal capacity to love - because - you do love - so darn well for other people... but not for yourself right?
You might give little doses to yourself, but not huge amounts right? Not long, satiable, consistent amounts right? Not... the sustainable amounts... that you are craving for?
Heal the Inner Masculine - heal FEELING SAFE with the Masculine - let alone - FEELING SAFE FEELING LOVE - that love that comes, from deep with in you - that may be reflected by/from others loving on you - but when they leave or don't follow through on their words, you are totally distraught, your entire world falls apart and you are left cleaning up the mess again, picking up the pieces - that? That shifts... when you start feeling safe with your inner masculine, when you are there for you, when your solid foundation of you, returns, when you BECOME THE LOVE you so crave from others and give so freely to..... it is time for YOU to feel that depth of love for you.
IS your key to freedom.
IS your answer to abundance.
IS your answer to the very thing you have been looking for all along.
It's you babe, it's always been you. It's just time to feel safe... being okay, with how much love you emanate just from... BEING YOU. It's okay to feel this amount of love. Amazing things happen... when you... let yourself feel this amount of love for you precious Soul. It's always been you, the love... it's you, you're searching for.
The Life Purpose Queen 👑
P.S. If you think this can help someone, please share!
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