NOT GOOD ENOUGH - CLEAR!May 12, 2019
NOT GOOD ENOUGH - CLEAR! THIS is how I clear... nothing more, nothing less is what this post is about... THIS is how you CLEAR THREADS. #likeapro #shamanstyle #feelingalltheway #ancientbloodedhealerstyle #ridingthewave
As I dropped deep... deep into the thread, the grief was real. The heartache was real. Feeling the depths of not good enough was real.
What did I do? What did I do? Was all that stumbled out of my mouth today in deep grief as I fell to my knees in deep dark heart pain.
I'll be honest, I struggled today on Mother's Day today. Mother? Wtf is that?
One could say I have issues with most 'commercialised days'. I don't really acknowledge them. Perhaps it is wondering how we all even came to celebrate such days, when people complain about Christmas for example and how it is all about presents and how it is a strain for most.. well why do we even do it.. another subject for another time I'm sure...
I don't really know when public holidays are until I perhaps go to the shop and wonder why they aren't open (let alone being pissed because they aren't!) Although, mind you, I have learnt to be more somewhat conscious of public holidays to avoid grief when I really need something.
Yet, maybe it is a purposefully forgetting, not wanting to celebrate things that, maybe still have painful memories attached to them. Maybe that is why I struggled today.
It made me drop into grief. Hard.
Not good enough to be loved...
Not good enough to be wanted...
Not good enough to be worthy of attention...
Not good enough to even warrant a text or phone call.
From the people that... when you're a child - are your point of survival.
Mother's Day - made me face a reality that I had been pushing away, denying, forgetting about on purpose. Mother? Wtf is that?
People say I am a good mum, that I am an amazing mum, they wish me Happy Mother's Day, because they see what I do with Adaya. And for this, I am grateful. It makes me remember, why I do what I do with Adaya. Because, I am the mum to her, that I never had, that I needed, that... just makes sense, how you are supposed to be a Mother to a child.. I thought.
With attention, with care, with acknowledgement, with presence, with.... Love.
The pain hit me hard today, when Adaya left to go to a friends place to stay and perhaps, it just gave me space, to face it. To face, this pain, of having a Mother, but not in the way, I guess, I have needed.
For so many years, I have seen other families around me, and wondered why they are like this? That they contact their daughter, or fly regularly to see them, or they even care about their daughter... Is this normal? Or is, what I had, just not normal? What is wrong with me? Is it normal, that a Mother, just doesn't contact her child? I don't really understand it. Perhaps I never will. Perhaps... it is normal.
What did I do? What did I do? Is all that could come out of my mouth today? As I dropped to my knees in deep grief, at the gaping big hole, that I... thought I had faced, but perhaps today, on this deep, deep level...
As my connection deepens, to the One True Mother, that I have HAD to cling onto for dear Life, our Earth Mother, our Moon Goddess, our Earth Mother... thank fuck She's been there, because fuck, without Her, well, I probably would've returned to Her long ago.
What did I do?! Is all that could run through my head as tears poured from my eyes as I fell into the deep dark abyss as the waves of grief hit me hard as I dropped to my knees as the sun set on the horizon, as I surrendered to the deep dark hole of feeling the gaping darkness, that is 'not good enough'... not good enough to be loved, not good enough to be held, not good enough to be listened to, not good enough in anything I did. No matter what I did, it was wrong, or I couldn't get a word in, or, I was shut down, or it... wasn't good enough. Tears poured as the child in me, howled at the deep abyss as I fell, deeper and deeper into the grief that took me further and further. FEELING what I had pushed down for so long. That.... my dear Panda, had taken on for me, until I was ready to face it. Lymphoma cancer - cancer is resentment.... and all of this deep dark abyss grief of not good enough - was manifesting as a deep pile of resentment... how could they do that to me? But I was the one that left home... but what pushed me away to even leave and never return?
That... 'letting me go'.... was Mother's Love. A form of protection out of the chaos and constant abuse, that became normal life - letting me leave, was a form of Love... so I didn't have to be in that anymore. Yet, even coming to THAT realisation and the depth of it, is deeper than most can even comprehend. But I deeply get it. And something shifted in that.
'It's okay mum, I'll go away and make us lots of money, so you don't have to be upset anymore' - or something. THAT was a wake up call. And I don't know I have even shared that publicly that realisation that I had several weeks ago. Some will understand it, and some won't. As an eldest child, growing up in the chaos and 'struggle' of the lifestyle that we lived, I obviously made some vow to support my mum, protect my mum, from the hurt she was feeling from the man that was supposed to support her. And instead, I became even more resentful at men. And then at mum for - why did it even all happen. And perhaps in that, was, if I do this, perhaps, THEN I will be good enough for her love too. You can imagine the pain, when even that... has backfired on this little girl, just wanting, the love, acceptance, and even just.... contact with her Mother.
What did I do?! What did I do wrong? How can I have been that wrong, that bad, that...that something is wrong with me? Something... that.. I just want my Mother's Love? Her protection? Her... Care?
Then coming into space, releasing the feelings of guilt of even wanting that... that I feel bad for wanting that. That I am not worthy of even wanting that.
That, through my deep grief as the dark abyss started to shift, through plain and simply feeling it ALL, as I began to see the light again, as the space, returned... I realised, that... this time last year.. I was clearing the father threads... the masculine... and here we are... dealing/facing/clearing... the mother.. the feminine..
And all this has come, from realising and facing my co-dependency, in late 2017. The father core wound, the mother core wound, coming to the surface in my abstinence from constant being in relationship, it has given this a chance to surface, a chance to heal, a chance to be faced, instead of buried in another relationship that destroys me, that is only... trying to wake me up to this in the first place. That those that came during this time and dropped bombs in my face woke me even deeper. That, Panda, made me face on a deeper level again, the core starting point, his gift to me, of Life. Of Wholeness. 🕊
Good enough, without needing anything to feel good enough.
Good enough, just as I am.
Good enough, with or without my mother and father's love.
Good enough, without doing anything.
Good enough, to be who I am.
Good enough, to just BE.
Good enough, to love myself.
Good enough, to receive.
Good enough, to live.
Good enough, to love.
Good enough, to receive love.
Good enough, to Be Love.
Mother, I love you, for what you have taught me, to love, without needing to love.
Father, I love you, for what you have taught me, to stand on my own, without needing to stand on my own.
Mother Earth, thank you for being under my feet the entire time.
Father Sun, thank you, for sustaining me, without me even realising it.
I receive, all of you.
And in that, I am complete. I am whole. I return to Unity, within you and within me.
A Return to Homeostasis.
The Complete Divine Balance ☯️
The Life Purpose Queen 👑
P.S. To come into deep acceptance
To come into deep fulfilment
To come into deep alignment of your Life Purpose
To drop into and through the deep dark abyss to return to the Light of your Heart
Your Soul's Purpose
The reason you are here, for it not be hard, hurtful or full of grief anymore
To guide and support you and to take you where no one has taken you before
Beyond the abyss to your Light
Of who you really are
The Inner Circle, for Rising Lightworkers & Ancient Blooded Healers is for you if you are ready to be in this deep, deep space where the calling of your Soul aligns you deep into:
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